I went to a horrible awful no good very bad psychic recently, after one too many vodka sodas, with a very close friend. After asking for my birthdate (and before she pulled a ginormous web of lies out of her not so fortunate bum,) this money swindling sorceress told me that my Mercury was in retrograde. Iʼm not sure exactly what this terms means… but I do remember her saying something along the lines of “huge transitional point in my life,” “everything is up in the air,” and “youʼll feel like youʼre playing catch up.”

Mmmm, ketchup.

This part of her reading was certainly right on the money. The past two years have been incredibly frustrating for me, financially speaking. After an account man gone mad embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars from my late agency and fled to BRAZIL, one by one, every agent that worked for me, pushed for me, and cared about me left. At the time, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew is that I wasnʼt getting television auditions anymore. Therefor, I wasnʼt making money anymore. I mean- what the frick?! Did I suddenly get fat and disgusting? Did all of my talent that booked me TV work in the past shimmy down the drain pipe, slip into the LA sewer system, and get eaten by disease infested rats?! DOES MY TALENT HAVE AIDS NOW?! I mean there was a DRASTIC drop-off, and I couldnʼt for the life of me figure out what happened or why.

Sometimes I wonder if I am fucking crazy. Am I not as good as I believe I am? Have I been fooling myself this entire time? Am I as hopeless as this idiot girl slapping on her sludgy, motor oil lipgloss and yacking on her “celly” in the audition waiting room instead of focusing? DO I LOOK LIKE THIS TO OTHER PEOPLE?! DO THEY THINK IʼM A JOKE?! I work so hard. And I want this so bad. And I believe I have the work ethic, the talent, and the balls to do well. Sometimes, itʼs just so endlessly frustrating that experience, talent, and dedication donʼt add up to a job like they would in every other career.

Despite the above rant, Iʼm not upset or feeling pessimistic about LA at all right now. In fact, I feel fantastic! More on track than Iʼve ever felt! (Minus the seemingly chronic financial affliction.) True, I am agent-less, audition-less, and poor- but I just signed with a new manager whom I feel is muy sympatico avec moi. (I know. Just let it be.) And even though I havenʼt worked in TV in a while, Iʼve been so fortunate to work on a bunch of independent projects that are, creatively, extremely fulfilling to me. So Iʼm not intending on complaining about the give and take ratio between Hollywood and myself… Itʼs just that I am currently sitting directly across the airplane aisle from Natalie Portman, and itʼs a serious mind-fonk.

She is so sweet and natural. And she is riding coach. Like a bad ass. We are about the same size. Similar facial structure. Both in comfy jeans and no makeup. Matching pony tails. We both look like pre-teens. Besides the fact that I have looked up to her work and how she carries herself for as long as I can remember, I canʼt help but think (when in such close proximity,) what is it exactly that separates me from you? You know… besides her Oscar, her adorable baby she is holding, and the handsome man sitting at her side. Husband? Boyfriend? I have no idea. I donʼt have either. Hey- at least I have my laptop. Iʼm smiling as Iʼm thinking that if she wasnʼt a known uber celebrity/acting superstar, we wouldnʼt look that different to everyone else. I weight the pros and cons of telling her how much I love her work. I have a brief fantasy about us becoming best friends over an airplane cocktail. I remember my mortifying experience of running into Heath Ledger years ago and decide against any kind of communication whatsoever. But I do continue to wonder… Will I ever be the girl on the plane whose acting has affected the less experienced actress across the aisle so much so, that she feels like she already knows her and wants to say “Youʼre frickinʼ awesome, and thank you?” I want to tell her how much that scene from Black Swan (when Nina rushes to the bathroom and locks herself in the stall and calls her mother in tears to tell her that she got the part,) meant to me. But alas, Heath ruined me. So Iʼm going to tell all of you instead.

That scene made me want to be an actress all over again. After chasing a dream your entire life… After fighting so hard for something you love and believe in for so long. After years and years of “noʼs” and “Itʼs just slow right now,” and “Youʼre too this, that, and the other,” The validation and sheer ecstasy that those moments of “You booked it” brings is powerful beyond your wildest imagination. Intense, electric joy shoots through every vein in your body, and you feel like youʼre lifted off the ground. Your heart swells and tears well in your eyes and pour over your cheeks. You are short of breath, yet somehow breathing for the first time in a long time. You want to dance, but instead your shaky legs collapse and your fall face-forward onto the floor and you canʼt move and youʼre laughing. You call your mom, or your grandma. Your brother. You dad. You canʼt wait for them to pick up the phone. They never pick up fast enough. If they donʼt answer, itʼs the worst kind of torture imaginable. You canʼt wait to tell them that you did it. That YOUʼRE NOT CRAZY!! That they donʼt have to worry about you anymore. Youʼre going to be just fine. You sleep better that night than you have in a very long time. That validation…that affirmation, that so many artists are starved for, is the most powerful drug there is. And Miss Portman, this tiny little pretty as can be pony-tailed person sitting across the airplane aisle from me made me feel the effects of it with her (as always) supreme acting in that scene. And Iʼm feeling the aftershocks of it right now as I write this blog.

That is exactly why I want to be an actress. I want to make people feel like that. I want to affect people in that way.

I must have faith that the fact that I occasionally wonder if Iʼm crazy, means Iʼm actually not. I work hard, have put everything on the line for this career, and I love it! And I must remind myself that there have most probably been times when Natalie felt the exact same way. Itʼs hard to ever imagine her feeling insecure or worried about anything, but her truth that shined through in that scene helps me to realize that she absolutely has.

Word bomb. Straight to the heart. Iʼm outtie!

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